so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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