fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize