i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
