There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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