It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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