My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
