If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
