I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
