I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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