Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
