Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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