I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
