Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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