I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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