Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
