Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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