Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize