you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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