he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Randomize
