I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
bring money and cleavage
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
