Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize