She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
