I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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