I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
