just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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