I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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