Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
