My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
