i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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