i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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