the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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