we're chasing vodka with high fives
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
