I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize