Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
