Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
