Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
