Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
