I just made out with a guy for $7.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize