Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
