Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
