As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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