She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
