Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
