first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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