If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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