were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
