Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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