I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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