Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
