1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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