I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
