Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You made out with two different species that night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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