Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
