i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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