She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
did i just pee glitter
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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