I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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