when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
