when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
