After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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