this boner is exhausting
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
