Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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