the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
