wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
