And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm passing your future prison.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
