Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
