I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
