i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
